Most of my life, I’ve wanted to be rescued.
I wanted a man to sweep in and give me the things I want most in life: a gorgeous house, a baby, and the relief of never having to worry about money.
I’d adopted an all too familiar mentality, a cinderella complex, the deep desire to find my prince charming to sweep away all of my problems. I know I’m not the only one.
This man would give me the dream lifestyle my clients had: fancy dinners in the best restaurants, the most luxurious trips in exotic places, shopping trips in Paris, and an impeccably fashionable home where I’d host brilliant dinner parties. Not exactly uncommon desires.
I wanted to leave behind my white trash roots and become the glamorous girl on the Housewives of Beverly Hills, minus the petty drama and pretentious bs. I wanted to be fancy, beautiful and rich because I truly believed this is what would make me a valid human being.
The idea that someone would save my ass from having to work so fucking hard was enticing.
I was willing to leave the responsibility of creating my own life up to someone else.
When I did meet someone who took care of my basic needs, took me out to fancy restaurants, and on trips to Europe, I realized something: I’d given up my power to be at the mercy of someone else’s whims.
Giving up control over my own life made me feel small, powerless, and unhappy. It wasn’t a dynamic that created equality, balance, and love. He could hold anything he wanted over my head because he had the power to kick me out of the house at any time.
When I moved from NY to SF, deep down, I continued to want my prince charming. The deep wish of being rescued was so powerful that it persisted despite knowing better.
I wish I’d realized sooner that I was smart enough, capable enough, and powerful enough to create my own income.
Today, I’m thankful that I’m not pretty enough to be a trophy wife. I’m thankful I don’t have a rich husband to take care of me. I’m thankful I didn’t fall into the trap of not working during marriage and being 40, divorced, with no skills or way of providing for myself.
I’m thankful that running my business gave me courage, confidence, and self-esteem.
However, negative scripts continue to plague my life around money.
I don’t come from money and I’ll never have any
I’m not smart, talented, or educated enough to make money
I’ll never be good with money
I hate money
Some divine intervention will happen and I’ll have lots of money… someday
Money is ruining my life
I’m too sick to work but have to do it anyway or my world will fall apart
Other people are better than me because they have more money and can have fancier clothes and houses
Coupled with being terrified to look at my bank account, credit card bills, medical bills, money’s been the enemy far too long.
So, to reframe these beliefs:
Just because I don’t come from money doesn’t mean I’ll never have any
I’m smart, capable, and self-educated enough to make money, and I’ve already proven to myself that this is possible
I WILL be good with money and I’m taking action towards this reality
I love money
Money is good
Money is a wonderful thing
What I focus on grows and if I focus on my money – my bank account will grow and my life will flourish
As Sancho Panzo from Don Quixote said so well: “Naked I was born, naked I will die.” We’re all the same and no one is better is than anyone. In the end it doesn’t fucking matter.
Easier said than done. It’s difficult to plow through such an emotionally loaded topic. Some of us are naturally gifted at saving, investing, and earning. Most of us aren’t.
Here are 3 steps to begin making progress.
1. Uncovering your money story. (I do this in my previous post)
2. Uncovering your hidden negative beliefs about money and reframing them.
3. Exposure therapy. Look at your bank accounts, credit card statements, notice whatever is going on in your body. Feel all the pain, the pressure, the anxiety. It’s not as bad as you think.
The goal is baby steps.
No Suze Ormon or Dave Ramsey will help your money life if you don’t do the underlying emotional work.
All of that anxiety and shame money, brought to the forefront. Confronted and shot in the face.
It’s not a foolproof equation. But what you focus on grows. Focus on the emotional work first, and you’ll begin to kiss your money shame goodbye… one step at a time.